The End of the World!!! AAHAGAHGHAHGHGGGGG!

That's what it sounds like when someone falls into a volcano filled with lavagators.

It's also what it sounds like in the mind of someone (me) who eats a few handfulls of salty tortilla chips after being "good" all week.

Now my life is (pretend/mad-at-self style) over.  Self anger creates motivation sometimes.

So what? Just chips...  but on the other hand:

(real post now)

I recently attended the wedding of two friends from High School.  They've been popular, skip-tapity and attracive lovers since the middle of those awkward years, somewhere (8 or 10 years ago maybe?).  Genuine smiles for their day of fulfilment.

I was always geared different, even though these two and the other 40 or so "cool Christians" that were also around and I were basic buds; my style was always awkward, but I still tried to be as brilliant as them.  I had a face of acne and I was never agressive enough to be on a sports team; but when it came time to enlist a student to do worship for the Christian club (CSO), I was #1. Genuine smiles for CSO days.

We all graduated.  We all got married and a few of us have even had some kids and got our degrees.  

I married who I was supposed to marry.  Jess is thankfully a whole lot like me in this area. 

Ideal American Culture was made for the CSO homies.  I still have a different style though.  I'm still (wrongfully) trying to be "as brilliant as them" on thier terms.  It's depressing and frustrating.  To have kids, get our degrees and find the career that will buy us our picket fences is the wrong idea for Jess and I.  It's the idea that going to this wedding suffered upon me, as the bride and groom's friends appeard in front of me, seemingly so accomplished and brilliant to a culture that I stumble through 24-7.

I feel hypnotized.  The only reason I don't give in and do the dream, is the result of YHWH's amazing and convicting voice of mercy...  a voice with the reason: to love the world in my unique way.

These are the 5-10 years to do this thing.

(unfinished post...  be we get the idea where this could go from here)